It's probably late in the day enough for me to have a moan about the latest episode of Game of Thrones, season seven/episode five - 'Eastwatch'. If it's not, sorry. But I do need to get this off my chest - the show I thought could never disappoint, finally disappointed. Not a great episode at all. One of the worst yet to be honest. Several details bugged the hell out of me, and the nerd in me needs to talk about them. Please bear with.
1) Apparently Jaime and Ser Bron are part man/part seal, both able to swim miles under water. In armour. We'll just ignore the whole 'beach with a straight-drop into a bottomless lake' thing too.
2) Having spent several seasons following these characters closely on their long journeys, they're now all hopping around Westeros in the blink of an eye. Journeys of hundreds of miles on foot/horseback/boat, journeys that would take months - all just glazed over. Apparently nothing of note ever happens during those periods...
3) The long enduring relationship and history between Daenerys and Jorah Mormont - the man who's just returned to her having cured himself of an incurable disease - all that is surmised with one paltry hug, before she sends him off again. Probably to die. With barely a line of dialogue. "Cheers, dragon queen."
4) Yes. I'm sure it would be blissfully easy to 'smuggle' Tyrion Lannister, the 'most famous dwarf in the world', right into the heart of King's Landing. And then have him waltz on out again like it 'ain't no thang'. It wasn't at all probable and/or likely that Jaime would take the Hand of the opposing Queen hostage, albeit his brother, considering in the last episode he was willing to die to end the war. Or that Cersei, as she apparently knew about it all in advance, would have had her imp brother seized. That would have been daft after all. She's only hated his guts for seven seasons.
5) This REALLY bugged me. One of the Lannister guards who catches Tyrion on the beach, was the very same actor who portrayed one of the touring 'pantomime' actors Arya Stark travelled with in an earlier season - the one who played Ned Stark as a befuddled idiot (Kevin Eldon). There are SOOO many actors who'd kill for a part in this show. So it's either grotesque laziness on the part of the casting directors, or blatant unbridled favouritism, compromising continuity either way. And they already did it once before, when the actor playing the murdered Martyn Lannister (Dean Charles Chapman) returned as the young King Tommen Baratheon.
6) Seriously, I know these White Walkers are slow, but how the bloody hell can everyone else fly round Westeros back and forth like Superman, while these chumps stumble about a relatively small block of land eternally 'on their way' to attack the Wall?? What the frick are they doing? Surely they've killed everyone north of The Wall by now? For God's sake, just get Daenerys to fly north (will take about 20 seconds of show time) and toast the whole damn lot of them. The White Walkers haven't got a giant cross bow after all.
7) After mining all that dragon glass, the purpose of his trip, Jon Snow seems to be returning to the north with barely a boat load. Good one Jon. Real clever.
8) In an episode where the screen-writers obviously attempted to cram in just about every character we'd forgotten about in the interim (Gendry, The Brotherhood Without Banners, The Hound, Ser Jorah, and the damnably annoying Samwell Tarly), the characters we actually WANT to see what's happened to, are strangely absent. What about the Sands? Are they rotting? Is the daughter dead yet? What about the bell-ringing 'Shame' Nun from last season... is she alive, what happened to her?? What's going on in Dorne? What about the Greyjoys? Apparently they had an episode off. All a bit jarring I fear.
9) Considering Bran 'piss on my chips' Stark knows absolutely everything, and is able to get messages to Jon Snow by raven while he's at Dragonstone, you'd think the bloody dimwit might also inform Jon that Daenerys is his Aunt. Especially considering it could possibly unite them, end the bickering, establish a dynasty everyone really likes, and you know, Jon's also on the verge of giving her one.
10) The rate at which the Stark girls are going 'dark side' is getting a bit gun-ho if you ask me. Considering they thought their whole families had been wiped out, you'd think they'd be a bit more trusting and nice to one another. Sansa is going very 'Little-finger', very quickly. Speaking of whom, for all her 'Faceless Man training', Arya didn't spot the guy hiding in a stairwell, or even think to look after she'd cat-burgled his quarters. Sloppy. Very sloppy. And again, you'd think Brandon Stark would step in and expose the subterfuge threatening to turn his sisters against one another. Nope, He's too busy flying about as 'crow-bro'.
I feel they're rushing it now, at the expense of continuity, sense, and/or maintaining a similar pace to the previous six seasons. Throwing in dodgy guest appearances, and relying on fairly daft one-liner jokes. It hurts. It hurts I tell you. I thought this show was infallible.
Plus if Cersei kills Bron, I'm gonna be majorly pissed off.
And breathe.
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