Wednesday, 25 January 2017


"Hello, Domino's Pizza."

"Hi there. I live in Lingfield, where the only food delivery we have is a guy selling chickens. But this morning a Domino's menu came through the door, tantalising my taste-buds with promises of pepperoni and mozzarella-laden goodness."

"Excuse me??"

"I'd like to order some lunch."

"I'm sorry sir, we don't deliver to Lingfield."


"Why do you hate me?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're telling me you've posted a leaflet through my door showing me all the food I can't order?? Why would you do this?? It's just cruel."

"You can still order for collection sir."

"Ah... so the mountain must come to Mohammed eh? How do you know I'm not a cripple? How do you know I even have legs? I might be housebound and miserable, wittering away my days dreaming of a pizza to dispel the painstaking monotony and anguish of day-to-day living."

"Do you have legs sir?"

"Yes. But that's neither here nor there. You could have just dangled salvation to a dying man, only to carelessly whip it away?? Teased him with promises of Elysium, only to then condemn him to Hades. What sort of customer service is that??"

"Erm... I'm sorry."

"Sorry won't cut it my friend. I demand justice!"

"Would you like to speak to a manager?"

"No, it's alright. I'll just have some toast."

Monday, 9 January 2017


I can't stand it. Theresa Maybe's everywhere, feigning concern at a mental health crisis, talking about how it needs addressing etc.

Which would be fine, were it not for the fact that Britain under the Tories is what's causing so much of it. And that she's using it to distract from the other NHS crisis... that pesky little inconvenience everyone's calling her to account for? Hows about answering the questions you're actually being asked, Mrs May?

"So Mrs May, what do you think we need to do about the growing healthcare crisis?"

"Brexit means Brexit."

"Erm... ok. What do you think about Donald Trump's comments concerning women?"

"The special relationship is important. I like French fries."

"Yes Mrs May, but they're French."

"Jeremy Corbyn is a disgrace."

"Pardon? We were talking about Trump?"

"I also like jam."

"Good to know."

"That is my manifesto."

Saturday, 7 January 2017


Some of the Left-wing political groups I frequent on social media are becoming quite toxic places nowadays.

Jim Davidson, an admittedly odious and offensive comedian, whom I personally can't stand, made a joke that he wishes 2016 had taken Jeremy Corbyn as well. Not particularly funny I grant you, and of course many will disagree (myself included). But neither was it gratuitous, and the venom/outrage I've seen poured out on social media, perpetuated by The Mirror's article on the subject, is just crazy. His previous crimes have nothing to do with this instance, and many just don't seem to get the hypocrisy of them calling out bigoted people in a similarly prejudiced and OTT offensive manner.

Pertinent criticism, analysis, debate, and lighthearted/satirical comments are NOT the same as just slagging off someone simply for disagreeing. I really wish more people saw the distinction. I personally have said far worse about the likes of Kanye West, Justin Bieber, Gary Barlow, Katie Hopkins, not to mention countless Tory politicians. Does that make me similar "scum"? Or am I merely expressing my opposition in a deliberately exaggerated/comic way? Should I not be allowed to? 

I for one do not want to live in a society where we're not free to make jokes. Even offensive ones. Coarse and depraved ones. Distasteful and controversial jokes, even if I personally don't like them or want to encourage them. We should not fear words, or demonise humour: it's this killjoy "politically correct" attitude of the Left that has alienated so many from our cause. It's actively contributed to this massive backlash of Right-wing sentiment we're experiencing today. You can't tell people what they can or can't find funny, and if you do, it's a step towards something far more sinister. There is a very big difference between laughing at a joke, and genuinely advocating the subject matter or harbouring malign intent towards another. It's actions and alignments that matter, not what we can or don't laugh at.

Why do so many people not see that? Freedom of speech is so, so important. Why do we see everything as black or white/right or wrong? It seems to me that's half the problem. Far too few are even prepared to try and see things from another's perspective. And though I for one undoubtedly believe Left-wing and Centre-ground politics are more decent, egalitarian and forward-thinking than those on the Right, that's not to say the Right don't occasionally make a good point too.

Seems to me we all need to start listening to one another again. Arguing back against ethics we conceive to be wrong, yes, but at least we keep the discussion going, and we keep it civil. Some things are worth fighting about, and some are not. I'm not saying don't argue back, for all your might, but let's ditch the 'tribal' warfare and crying people should be silenced when they simply say something we don't like. It's when you don't allow people a say, and argue they should be silenced that they become angry. 

And here we are today.

PS: Jim Davidson is a complete wank-goblin.