DEAR DAILY MAIL: I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COMPLAINT ABOUT MY UNIVERSITY

"Dear Daily Mail,

Although the idea of wanting to educate yourself AND support Brexit are in many ways mutually exclusive, I am indeed a Brexit voter, and currently attend Dingleberry University - on site at Watford Gap services.

I'm enrolled on a three year honours degree in Philosophy and Economics - which is quite a fucking stretch considering I get confused by modern hairdryers.

My professor, who's taught for decades, who's both respected and accredited with several ACTUAL qualifications, whose brain is a hive of information and facts (details we refer to as 'fake news'), is clearly wrong. We may have respected what he had to say before now, deeming him worthy to teach, but now he's teaching 'facts' that suggest we're complete fucktards, his opinion and learning are clearly worth nothing. Professor Remoans-a-lot needs to get with the programme. We won! Get over it snowflake!

I'm far better informed, so it's only reasonable that everyone acknowledge what I have to say. I read The Daily Mail every day, and have a far better understanding of world history and economics than a twat with a PhD, who makes a point of using fancy words I can't understand. (He's probably a paedophile too.)

The students are just as bad. For some reason, the lefty-scumbags want to hear from 'the professor', not me?? The hypocrisy is intolerable. They call themselves 'liberal' and 'inclusive', but then won't agree to making bibs mandatory, or covering all the sharp edges in bubble wrap - when they know I tend to drool a lot, and often bump into things.

Nor will they unilaterally accept Jesus hates people from Europe; I shouldn't have to put up with it.

It's very clear: we must all pretend the turd is chocolate mousse.

Speaking of 'eating shit': if you guys at The Daily Mail are insistent on smearing a particular group for causing this mess and corrupting the sentience of our nation, please can whomever is reading this, eg: the employee and human-being apparently fine with intimidating academics and enabling agenda and media-driven fascism, now stand up, squat over his/her desk, and take a big steamy dump on it. Then scoop it up, pop it in a box, and send to:

The Daily Mail,
Northcliffe House,
2 Derry Street,
Kensington,
London W8 5TT.

Thank you kindly, and good luck with the witch-hunt. I can't wait for everyone to be as gullible and retarded as me.

God save the Queen! (Even if she's German.)

Yours faithfully,

Mr F. Uckyou"