Monday, 1 August 2016


A nation of people that once prided themselves as "rulers of the waves" now sit scratching their heads - utterly confused by the sight of ships floating on water.

The British Royal Navy had merely stopped for a collective day-out on Portsmouth Pier, to sample the local cuisine and attend a biannual convention on dogging etiquette. After taking the time to compliment local residents for their alcoholism, and their ability to breathe underwater via genetically evolved gills, servicemen and women returned only a few hours later to find the entire nation losing their minds.

Local "hoodie" Steve, was literally confounded:

When I gets in the bath yeah, I sink to the bottom, innit? It's like science and sh*t. But these mahoosive floating things, they didn't sink. It was f**kin' freaky mate.

Other passers-by stood glued to the spot, transfixed by the sight of the boats bobbing around in the water.

19 year old mother of three, Sally commented:
It's flamin' witchcraft I tell ya, like somethin' out of a film.
Those across Britain who understood "it's just what ships do", were instead utterly petrified by the idea we might not be able to nuke any given country at a moment's notice.

The UK has never reduced another country to cockroaches and sawdust before - but many Brits apparently remain keen to "give it a go".

Simon, an outraged Daily Mail reader, demanded to know of his audience at the local Wetherspoons:
Is this what they call protecting us from ISIS? What about North Korea? This is exactly why I voted for Brexit!
Militant right-wing warmongers were pleased to know, Britain resumed its position threatening the rest of the world with apocalypse the very next morning.

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